Owl Mail With Voldemort
by Rioshi-sama
Summary: Whats there to do when you get a letter from Voldemort... but write back? ONESHOT


Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Except maybe a very strange sense of humor. I probably borrowed that from someone, too. But no, this is a Letter Exchange inspired by Solderini's Foolish Little Brother. A little creativity, otherwise just plain humor.

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Dear Harold,

I felt in a rather good mood today. Can't imagine why. Oh! That's right. I thought the Ministry was a complete failure. But Bella darling just told me your poor mutt just was neutered through the archway. Beautiful bit of perspective that.

More psychological trauma! Isn't it beautiful? You must so love puberty and all the crushing onslaught of emotions it causes. I recently even got to utterly crush some fine light wizards at the wedding of those nasty little red warts... weazles, arent they?

Regarless, Hope you're well. Enjoying making your life miserable. Got bills to pay. Need to maybe go torture Malfoy for some galleons.

Your Future Dictator,  
He-Who-Must-Be-Laughing-Himself-Sick

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Voldemort,

What the hell. How did you find out where I live? You just got Sirius killed, you jerk. Do you have to torture me like this? Though it is nice to hear Malfoy's getting what for, do you *really* have to send me fan mail? Don't you think I get enough of it already?

Dumbledore says I'm supposed to beat you with love. (Yeah, seriously.) Not that I'm not grateful to have anybody to talk to, but...

AND ITS HARRY!

[By the way, what am I supposed to do with a bag of blood? Ewwww.]

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Dear Golden Boy,

See this smile? Does it really look like I care what I call you? Oh, wait. That's me imperiusing the queen. Funny thing, that. Dark Lord business and all, but did I just hear Gringotts was just... blown up?

Tell me, what possessed you to fly a dragon through the ceiling of Gringotts and horribly maim hundreds of goblins? Are you *sure* you're on the right side? We have plenty of dental options.

I hear you. Fangirls. Bloody rotten bit of business that, but I did recently encourage a new policy. Its called I-Dont-Care incorporated and I-Destroy-Everything-You've-Ever-Loved LTD. Great profit margin, with long term stock portfolios. Even saved up a few of those Cedric Diggory Badges you love so much.

Did Mother and Father ever tell you how proud they must be that you became champion and vital to my ressurection? No? Oh right, they're dead.

Happy trails,

The Heir of Slytherin

PS: Really? I thought you'd be happy to have one last momento of the Minister's suffering.

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Moldey-shorts,

The Ministry is a berk. You're a berk. Can you bleed too? And maybe if you didn't kill him, Cedric would be alive to tell you that too. You know, 'Kill the Spare?'

Watch your step. If I ever find one of Luna's Snorcraxes (Or was it Snorlaxes? Hard to tell) I will personally enjoy feeding you to them.

Harry

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Dear Boy-Who-Lived-To-Die-Again,

Nope, don't recall. Was he one of the Longbottom's? Snape sends me all sorts of lovely pictures of the boy when he blows himself up in potions. Speaking of which? Why aren't you in school? Its important to have an education. Tut-tut, my boy.

And Harry? Why is my basilisk -dead-?

Tally-Ho. I've got a London to burn.

Your Immortal Ruler,

Voldemort

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Slitherskin,

Congratulations on Neville. You get off on torturing little girls and boys now? And you royal nuisance, I killed the overgrown lizard in second year. Ask anybody. Do you kiss Bella-snicks with that mouth, by any chance? Because really, if you have dental I'm surprised you never used it.

Harry

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Dear Hopelessly Fated to Fail,

It was fun reminiscing with you the other day. Just obliviated that pedophilic reference from Wormtail's head. Remind me to get the mail myself next time, if you'd be so kind?

And oh? It seems you did. Tell me Harry, where exactly is my *diary*? Malfoy is looking awful nervous, you know.

Evil Overlord,

Voldemort

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Queer Eye for the Slytherin Guy,

Nowhere. Didn't even know you had a diary. Sorry. Have you tried any of the Weezley's Wizard Weezes? I suggest the Exploding cauldrons. Something tells me you could do with a makeover.

Harry

PS: I hope you die of lung cancer.

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Agonizing Atypical Annoyance,

I would, but I much prefer being revived every decade or so if I die. Torturing your ancestors long afrter I've ripped the last gibblets of life from your skin will be well amusing an experience. Why do I get the feeling you're hiding something?

Recent Conqueror of the plithy French,

Voldemort

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Frenched,

The paper this letter is written on Hogwarts stationary. It lists how much I hate you.

Best Regards,  
Harry

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Dear Harold,

Aren't you just so nice. I looked into my diary you know. And several other items of interest. I just found out that its been my *soul* you've been trying to kill. Most unfortunate, as I particularly *like* being immortal.

Expect to join Dumbles in about a weeks time. I plan to find out 'exactly' what you've been doing while I've been conquering magical britain. Ix a few thousand dark wizards and malevolent creatures.

Your -pissed- Executioner,

(No, not McNair)

VOLDEMORT

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

Voldey,

...Oh BLOODY-

Harry

**- Owl Mail With Voldemort -**

**Fin**


End file.
